


Not the Usual Type

by Antarctica_or_bust



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Backstory, Crack, Dialogue-Only, Fíli and Kíli Are Little Shits, Gen, Humor, Kidnapping, Preseries, Protective Thorin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-05
Updated: 2013-04-05
Packaged: 2017-12-07 13:46:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/749198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Antarctica_or_bust/pseuds/Antarctica_or_bust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kíli and Fíli get abducted, but things don't go according to plan.  For their kidnappers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not the Usual Type

“So what sort of ransom are you asking for us anyway?”

“Kíli, what are you doing? Don't talk to them, we had a plan.”

“Screw the plan, I'm bored. We've been sitting here for ages and I want to know what price we're going for these days.”

 

_“Your brother's right, lad. You really shouldn't be talking to your kidnappers. For all you know we could be total psychos.”_

“Don't be ridiculous, you're obviously not crazy. At least not like the last set. They kept threatening to eat us and none of them had washed in days.”

“That's true, compared to the usual type you seem like decent folks. What's got nice dwarves like you trying a scheme like this?”

 

_“None of your business, so why don't you just sit down and shut up?”_

_“Wait a sec. I want to know what they meant. What usual type? Does this happen often?”_

“Oh not nearly so much as it used to. When we were younger, uncle's enemies used to kidnap us every other week.”

“Until we taught them better, didn't we Fíli ?”

“Hah, yes. Those were good times.”

 

_“You taught them better?”_

“Well, yeah. You didn't think uncle would just let us wander around unprotected, did you?”

“Or untrained. Dwalin would die of shame if we couldn't wipe out at least a dozen attackers. I mean we've been able to handle that many since our fifties.”

 

_“What are you blathering on about? We captured you just fine and there's only three of us.”_

“Exactly! You seemed like such nice folks that we didn't want to kill you, not for simply getting desperate and making a little mistake.”

“That's right. We really need Dwalin to teach us some nonlethal moves for situations like this. It would save everyone so much trouble.”

“It's kind of annoying actually, because we'd have escaped by now if we could have justified your deaths.”

 

_“You must be joking. As if the pair of you could be lethal?”_

_“And even if you are trained, you're all tied up right now.”_

“Tied up? You mean with these ropes? I had them off hours ago. Nothing personal but I just can't stand being so confined like that.”

 

_“What?...But...How?”_

_“Why the heck haven't you tried to run away?”_

“And waste all of your hard work? We couldn't do that!”

“We thought you at least deserved the illusion of success for all your effort before uncle shows up and ruins everything. He should be along shortly now; he's never taken more than a day to find us and you didn't exactly do the most sophisticated job.”

“So you might as well just tell us what you hoped to gain from this. If it was for a good cause maybe we can still work something out.”

 

_“You're both mad. I give up.”_

_“Me too. You should never mess with crazy people; it always ends badly.”_

_“If I'd known they were nuts I never would have agreed to this. I told you this scheme wouldn't work.”_

_“Don't blame me, it was his idea. Make some quick gold to keep mum through the winter he said, and now look at us. We're all going to be hanged before the week is done and you barely out of your eighties.”_

“Hey now, no one is being hanged-”

“-Thorin really prefers a good slicing these days-”

“-and our mother would have our heads if we let your family starve over a little thing like this. We'll have a talk with uncle and see what we can do.”

 

_“Better talk fast. Your cavalry has arrived and he looks rather murderous....Watch out!”_

_“Help, brother! I don't wanna die!”_

“Uncle, put him down! You don't need to be stabbing anyone this time.”

“They didn't do any harm, really.”

 

**“They kidnapped you!”**

“What's a little kidnapping between friends? It's not like they meant it.”

“Yeah, their mother is hungry is all, it wasn't anything personal.”

“Surely you can something safer for them to do before any of them get hurt? They're much too nice to handle this life and I'm sure they'd work hard if you gave them a chance.”

 

**“You want me to take your kidnappers into my service because you're afraid that one of them might get hurt while attempting more criminal activities in order to feed their starving mother.”**

“I'd say that about sums it up.”

“Please, uncle? For us?”

 

**“And what do you three have to say for yourselves?”**

_“We're really very sorry.”_

_“Oh yes, very sorry. Temporary insanity is all.”_

_“If you do kill us I don't want to be hanged, you can stab me instead.”_

***Sigh***

**“I knew your father and he was a fine dwarf so I suppose for his sake, I could give you a second chance. Only one more chance mind you and don't expect my nephews' pleading to save you again if you screw up.”**

_“Oh, thank you. Thank you so much!”_

****

**“Don't thank me yet, you're going to work for your crimes. So tell me, Dori, Nori and Ori, exactly how much do you know about dragons?”**

 

_End_

 

**Author's Note:**

> For those who care it was [this prompt.](http://hobbit-kink.livejournal.com/3138.html?thread=4362050#t4362050)
> 
> And to get the proper experience of this fic you should really read it [here on my livejournal](http://rata-toskr.livejournal.com/7413.html) where I could actually type in different colors and so it's easier to keep straight.


End file.
